Satire on Saving Civilization

Since it has been decided by various special interest groups that the globe is warming because of the human race, environmentalists have been thinking up creative ways to reduce the carbon footprint of our species on this planet. It has been said by a leading global warming theorist that in 30 or 40 years “most of the people will have died and the rest of us will be cannibals… Civilization will have broken down. The few people left will be living in a failed state — like Somalia or Sudan — and living conditions will be intolerable.” -Ted Turner

Today in some large city, an assembly of the most renowned climatologists gathered at a global
warming convention to try to change the direction of our species. The
convention lasting several days was resolved after long deliberation by discovering
the only reasonable way to stop global warming in its tracks, before our
civilization “breaks down”. It was decided that the only way to save the human
race from global warming is suicide.

They had been for several years taking less severe means of
saving the globe by having things like hybrid cars, vegan lifestyles, metal
water bottles, Al Gore DVD’s, and countless bumperstickers about hugging trees and such, but with only futile efforts. They decided that more severe path needed to be taken. They made a quick press release
to domestic as well as international communities about suicide being the definitive option to save the human race.

They made it a point to mention that it had been decided that they were not actually going to take part in this, stating “someone had to be around to collect the data”, but were urging Hummer owners to be the first to “kick their own bucket”. Rumors of that being discriminatory toward SUV owners were immediately
quieted by the group with this comment, “There is no such thing as discrimination against the guilty, and we all know, those people are largely at fault.”

Follow-up comments were made suggesting that if ridding the earth of Hummer owners, did not affect the global warming situation; it would “at the very least, lower the price of gas”.